Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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