The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
