Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
are you so shy because you have an std?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
