He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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