she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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