I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
