you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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