??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
