Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
