According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
