This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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