Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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