i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
