Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
