The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
