sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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