I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
These tits shall not be calmed
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
