i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
