He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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