I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
