Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
