A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
