I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
