You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
