is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
