The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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