My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
