i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize