They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
COCAINE IS GR8
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize