Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
