I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
