While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
