I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
