Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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