I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You're like the curious george of whores
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
