Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
