The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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