Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
