I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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