I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
