I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Randomize