I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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