Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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