FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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