I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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