I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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