i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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