Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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