Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
