he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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