I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
