you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
