I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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