So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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