this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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