you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
we're making bets on your personal life
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
