I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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