Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
