did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
