Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
