I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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