Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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